I’d just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said, ‘I’ve not eaten for two days.’ I told him, ‘I wish I had your will power.’
I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently “Blacks” and “Mexicans” were NOT the correct answers.
A fat girl served me in McDonald’s at lunch time. She said, ‘Sorry about the wait.’ I said, ‘Don’t worry, you’ll find a way to lose it eventually.’
Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, ‘Fat chance, with a face like that!’
A 10 year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks ‘What’s wrong, lad?’ The boy says ‘Me ma died this morning.’ ‘Oh bejaysus,’ the man says, ‘Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you?’ The boy replies, ‘No tanks, mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.’
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since a lot of the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works best!
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself…’I’m going to take that.’
A man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him, ‘Where am I?’ The Irish farmer looks up and shouts back, ‘You’re in that basket.’
I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was, Where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer…hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?
Bored? This website will kill a few minutes and, probably, create much laughter! Turn up those speakers! :)
A Jewish daughter says to her mother, “I’m divorcing Irv. All he Wants is sex, sex and more sex.”
“My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece, when it used to be the size of a nickel.”
Her mother says, “You’re married to a multi-millionaire businessman,
You live in an 8 Bedroom mansion
You drive a $250,000 Ferrari,
You get $2,000 a week allowance,
You take 6 vacations a year and
You want to throw all that away…
Over 45 cents?”
Now that’s a Jewish mother!
There were two nuns
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It’s logical. He wants to make love to us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
A little while later…
SM: It’s not working.
SL: Of course it’s not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logicalarrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn’t follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn’t it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
Say two Hail Marys! :)
My neighbor found out that her dog ( a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog’s ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the pharmacist and get some “Nair” hair remover and rub it in the dog’s ears once a month.
The lady went to the pharmacist and bought some “Nair” hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, “If you’re going to use this under your arms, don’t use deodorant for a few days.”
The lady said, “I’m not using it under my arms.”
The pharmacist said, “If you’re using it on your legs, don’t shave for a couple of days.”
The lady replied, “I’m not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I’m using it on my Schnauzer.”
The pharmacist said, “Well stay off your bicycle for about a week.”
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag. :)
When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure,
When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.
When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.
Apparently, ice is bad for you. :)
From a teacher — short and to the point
In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I’ve noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capitalization.
For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement.
“Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.”
Is everybody clear on that?
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed .
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again
The old man slowly looked at him and said,
'Well..last week I sat out here with no shirt on,
and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma’s idea.