The government today announced that it is changing its symbol from an Eagle to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the government’s political stance….
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while you’re actually being screwed!
Damn, it just doesn’t get more accurate than that!
An Arab had spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It got so bad that his camel died of thirst.
He crawled through the sands, certain that he was breathing his last breath, when suddenly, he saw a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand, and discovered that he had a Manischewitz wine bottle.
It appeared that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrewed the top, and out popped a genie. But this was no ordinary genie. This genie appeared to be a Chasidic Rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, and tzitzis.
‘Vell kid,’ said the genie, ‘you know how it voiks. You got three vishes.’
‘I’m not going to trust you,’ says the Arab. ‘I’m not going to trust a Jewish genie!’
‘Vott’ya you got to lose? Looks ta me - you’re a gonner anyvay!’
The Arab thought about this for a minute, and decided that the genie was right. ‘Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis, with plentiful food and drink.’
* * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * *
The Arab found himself in the most beautiful oasis he had ever seen and he was surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
‘Okee-dokee kiddo, vat’s your second vish?’
‘My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.’
* * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * *
The Arab found himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare old coins and precious gems.
’Okay kid, you got just vone more vish. Better you should make it a good vone!’
After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says, ‘I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will always need and want me!’
* * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * *
He was turned into a tampon.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
If you’re an Arab doing business with a Jewish genie, there’s going to be a string attached!
An Italian walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer.
He told the loan officer that he was going to Italy on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Italian handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.
The Italian produced the title and everything checked out.
The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank’s president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank’s underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Italian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.
The loan officer said, ‘Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?’
The Italian replied: ‘Minga! Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?’
Ah, the Italians… Bada Bing Bada Bang!
Brenda, a manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.
After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Brenda decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Brenda asked, ‘What is the fastest thing you know of?’
The first man replied, ‘A THOUGHT.’ It just pops into your head. There’s no warning.
‘That’s very good!’ replied Brenda.
‘And, now you sir?’, she asked the second man.
‘Hmmm…let me see ‘A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.’
‘Excellent!’ said Brenda. ‘The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliche for speed.’ She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
‘Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. ‘Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of’.
Brenda was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. ‘It’s hard to beat the speed of light,’ she said.
Turning to Donny, the fourth and final man, Brenda posed the same question.
Old Donny replied, ‘After hearing the previous three answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.’
‘WHAT!?’ said Brenda, stunned by the response.
‘Oh sure’, said Donny. ‘You see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants..’
Donny is now the new greeter at Wal-Mart near you!
You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart.
1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: “I wan’ all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan’ all the kids to copulate me.”
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: “I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the ‘Skins say: “I’d run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,” Matt Millen of the Raiders said: “To win, I’d run over Joe’s Mom, too.”
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: “He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.”
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : “I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.” (now that is beautiful)
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: “You guys line up alphabetically by height.” And, “You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle.” (my favorite!)
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: “Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ..”
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above is locker: “That’s so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes.”
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: “He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is.”
11. Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: “My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.” (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: “I told him, ‘Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.’”
13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F’s and one D: “Son, looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject.”
14 Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: “Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye.”
A guy purchased, for his lovely wife, a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this recent post:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th Anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser.
The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety…
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home… I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another.
The directions said that:
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5” long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best.
I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, ‘Don’t do it stupid,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil’ ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and…
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE… !!!
I’m pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a Taser, one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I’m still looking for my testicles and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid! :)
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students The teacher asked, ‘Harry, what’s your problem?’
Harry answered, ’ I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter
than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!’
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
‘What is 3 x 3?’
‘What is 6 x 6?’
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
‘I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.’
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, ‘Let me ask him some questions.’
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, ‘What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?’
Harry, after a moment: ‘Legs.’
Ms Brooks: ‘What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?’
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: ‘Pockets.’
Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a dog do that a man steps into?’
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?’
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: ‘What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?’
The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, ‘Bubble gum.’
Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog
does on three legs?’
Harry: ‘Shake hands.’
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: ‘What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?’
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, ‘Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong… ‘
On the PA system: ‘Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.’
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
“What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the wife.”
He replies, “They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans!”
His wife demands, “Put them back, we can’t afford them!” And they continue shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
Her husband asks, What do you think you’re doing?”’
His wife replies, “It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful!”
He retorts: ‘So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price.”
He never knew what hit him.