In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt’s sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago.
Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.
She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage.
The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with…
Wait for it..
After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to massage her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, “Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?”
To which he responded: “I found the remote.”
An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, “Pardon me, madam… I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”
“Yes, I know,” said the lady. “I need both my hands to hold onto this hat.”
“But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old…
I just bought this hat yesterday!”
A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue …
Doctor: “What happened?”
Woman: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp.”
Doctor: “I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don’t swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor.”
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: “Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn’t touch me!”
Doctor: “You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps ?”
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break
Question: What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING. Then Saturday & Sunday, I rest.
An Amish farmer is walking through his field when he sees a guy drinking from his pond, scooping it up with his hand.
The farmer says, “Trinken sie nicht das Wasser, die Kuhe und die Schweine haben in ihm geschissen,” which means, “Don’t drink the water, the cows and the pigs shit in it.”
The guy shouts back, “I’m a Teabagger, and this is America. I don’t understand your gibberish. Speak English, you moron.”
The farmer says, “Use two hands, you’ll get more.”
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks “What’s going on?”
The man says, “Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and are asking for a $10 million dollar ransom. Otherwise they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car taking up a collection.”
“How much is everyone giving, on average?” Asks the driver.
The man replies, “about a gallon.”
The only cow in a small town in Colorado stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a cow in Nebraska for $200.
They bought the cow from Nebraska and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the Vet what was happening. “Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side.”
The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, “Did you buy this cow in Nebraska ?”
The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow.
“You are truly a wise Vet,” they said. “How did you know we got the cow in Nebraska?”
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,
“My wife is from Nebraska…”
After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.
Now… I have a $500,000 home, a $35,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV…