October 2011
33 posts
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To Maintain a Healthy Level Of Insanity
To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity…
1. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ‘For Marijuana.’
2. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
3. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is ‘To Go.’
4. Sing Along At The Opera.
5. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You...
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A Halloween Costume (image)
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Funny Posters (Images)
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Funny Facebook Updates
1. Don’t think of yourself as an ugly person, just a beautiful monkey :P
2. Tips to reduce weight: First turn your head to the right, and then turn it to the left. Repeat the exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
3. At the end of the day, one thing we have in common is that we are all screwed up in some way.
4. I found a lipstick that helps you lose weight…..it’s called super...
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Remembering Steve Jobs (Pictures)
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Last Flight (Blonde Joke)
This is the story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day: “May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don’t know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!” All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying: “This is Air...
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A Royal Funny!
Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large queenly breasts.
Nick, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King’s chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said...
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Great Dog Halloween Costumes!
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More Funny Pictures...
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25 Cents.. (Blonde Joke)
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. “Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”
Dumbfounded,...
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Irish Wedding...
At an Irish wedding reception someone yelled… “Would all the married men, please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.”
The bartender was almost crushed to death.
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Abbott & Costello - A technology take on "who's on...
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on…
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, ‘Who’s on First?’ might have turned out something like this: COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A...
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Too Much Time In The Kitchen (Pictures)
You know your spending too much time in the kitchen when you have time to create these AMAZING images…
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Brain Study (ouch!)
7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PROUD! 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15.
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Drafting Guys Over 60
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I’m too old to track down terrorists. You can’t be older than 42 to join the military. They’ve got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn’t be able to join a military unit until you’re at least 35. For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think...
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Confessional
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There’s a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates. Then the priest comes in. “Father, forgive me, for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is...
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New American Car (photo with text)
New GM (Government Motors) Proudly Introduces The 2011 Obummer This car runs on hot air, bull-shit and broken promises. It has three wheels that speed the vehicle through tight left turns. It comes complete with two TelePrompters programmed to help the occupants talk their way out of any violations. The transparent canopy reveals the plastic smiles still on the faces of all the happy...
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Once Upon a Time...
Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, THE PRINCESS… But there was a problem. Everything the Princess touched would melt. No matter what. Metal Wood Stone Anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and...
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It's a matter of perspective...
A practical example of how the human mind works. In the picture below, we will analyze what it represents to some groups of people. Read the review after the photo.
- For young men, it’s a nice ass. The really observant will see the thong.
- For older men, it is a respectable woman with a nice ass crossing the street.
- The perverts will imagine her as a naked woman.
-...
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Nail Gun, made by DeWALT (humor) :)
Once in awhile something so totally cool comes out that even a guy who doesn’t normally know what he’d like for Father’s Day or Christmas would immediately ask for it.
Nail Gun, made by DeWALT It can drive a 16-D nail through a 2x4 at 200 yards. This makes construction a breeze, you can sit in your lawn chair and build a fence. Just get your wife to hold the fence...
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Chilli Willy Peppers (with photo)
I don’t know about you, but I have never seen a Willy Pepper before. These are actual peppers from a garden and they are actually called “Chilli Willy Peppers” (or sometimes just “Willy Peppers”). You can buy your own grow kit from http://www.chilli-willy.com/. A farmer says they can grow up to 18” long! Sort of brings tears to your eyes doesn’t it?
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Go Figure...
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now you probably won’t remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You’re going to be ok, you’ll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn’t find it.” The man groans, but...
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Been There ... In So Many Words
I have been to a lot of places, but I’ve never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can’t go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I’ve also never been in Cognito, either. I hear no one recognizes you there. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump. I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several...
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Possible Corporate Mergers in 2012...
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, and Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner, Cracker. 3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa. 5. FedEx...
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Notes from the Edge of Life...
Dear Noah, We could have sworn you said the ark wasn’t leaving till 5.
Sincerely, Unicorns ***
Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids, Please make one for every skin color.
Sincerely, Black people * * *
Dear Scissors, I feel your pain…no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely, Sarah Palin * * *
Dear Customers, Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely, Nail Salon Ladies *...
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Can You Get Married in Heaven?
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is sadly involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder, could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time...
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Damn Fine Explanation...
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Obviously, she was upset. “You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you… I want a divorce right away!” The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love so at...
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The Economy Fix
The Economy Fix There recently was an article in the St. Petersburg Times (Florida) under the Business Section. The article asked readers for ideas on: “How Would You Fix the Economy?”. I think this response nailed it! —— Dear Mr. President, Please find below my suggestion for fixing America ‘s economy. Instead of giving billions of dollars to companies that will...
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Who is Jack Schitt?
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, “You don’t know Jack Schitt”! Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son,...
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Why Computers Sometimes Crash! by Dr. Seuss
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report. If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn’t hash,...
